One of the most fascinating places in modern humandum, is that marvelous architectural wonder known as the mall. An elf could live there for a long time without being spotted by a human. By the way, I’m an elf. No seriously. Look I didn’t believe in humans the first time I heard about them either. But I’m not here to engage in a philosophical debate, I’m a Storyblazer and here is a blazing story review. Back to the mall.
If only the medieval calstles had as many places to go, and as many things to buy as the mall. Usually you don’t buy too many things in a castle. You are usually a tyrant king waiting to be overthrown by some gallant knight or you’re a princess waiting to be rescued by a valiant knight. That is not too far off the left field in this modern classic ‘Paul Blaurt: Mall Cop.
It really is a classic. I own the 100th anniversary edition. Traveling through time, you end up getting some sweet deals on films that are still in theaters and some that are not even out yet. Golly Gee Gosh, I just can’t tell you how lost turned out. Strict rules of the Storyblazers. We can only comment and reveal stories that are currently happening in the present time steam. Of course not too many can travel through time. Seeing I’m in the year known as 2009, I can’t tell you what happens to our beloved castaways on the mysterious island. It was just so disappointing that… Oh sorry to tantalize you.
By the way I was in the mall at the time hiding out from some trolls when they filmed it, so it is kind of special. If you have mystical fairy sight you might be able to see me behind Amy’s kiosk stand. She’s a character in the movie by the way.
Paul Blart is your average typical guy. He has a job that most people get stuck in. Mundane and unexciting. The majority of people living throughout the centuries have had the same type of job. Goat herders. Wondering crazy gypsy. Dragon poop- picker upper. What most mortals don’t realize is that they can make the mundane into a extraordinary experience. The grand storyteller doesn’t write life out to be boring. He writes it to be exciting. We (elf kind too) don’t feel the excitement of life because the routine of what we do does not match the greater dreams we have in our head. I didn’t want to be a Storyblazer, I wanted to build toys in Santa’s castle. But I have found this job to me more exciting and rewarding because I realize the good that I am doing for poor saps like you who need to be culturally educated in fine storytelling.
Paul Blart wants to join the NJ police force and be a big shot. But his hypoglycemia punches him when he is in his stride and causes him to remain a mall cop. He is also a lonely heart. His Mexican wife ditched him and his daughter after she got her citizenship or some un-loving act. Now he lives with his daughter and his mom. Moms no matter what species always have a open home and heart for their children, especially certain species that eat their young. His daughter wants to sign him up on a computer dating sight. Back in the day cupid just fly in and planted an arrow in the heart and Walla, marriage, kids.
PB gets up everyday and goes to make the West Orange Pavilion Mall a safe place for all to shop. He is good at his job and perhaps takes it a tad bit too seriously, much like dwarfs in gold mines. His regular routine of stopping old men running ragged on their scoters is put to a halt when he spies the new kiosk vender AMY. I mentioned her paragraphs above. He is truly lost in love as he crashes into a mini-van. She is a fine looking human female.
Human females in all honesty are the most good looking of all the human looking species, except for that leprechaun I meet in El Paso Texas. Blarney!
After building up Paul Blart’s character and how sad he is that his life is not going the way he wants it to, with the added heartache of having embarrassed himself after consuming too much alcohol by accident ( he doesn’t drink) we get to the real juicy meat of the story.
On the most materialistic day of humanistic America, the day after Americans give thanks for having a day off and too much Turkey and Apple Pie, some crooks disguised as Santa’s elves, who must have been inspired by the original Die Hard or the 78 elfin revolt at Santa’s castle , decide to seal off the mall and rob the bank inside. Paul was busy at the time rocking out on Guitar Hero to leave the mallwith all the other shoppers and Mall staff. Now like John McClane he is alone in the mall. But unlike John, he is untrained, unarmed and really really fat. Or as the PC trolls like to say, Non-skinnily challenged. Sue McDonalds is the rallying layer who is called out to protect over-fat people. He does have a sweet Segway though.. He decides to leave the mall until, DA DA. He founds out his woman is trapped inside with the villains. The head villain is none other then Paul’s young novice Vech. I really didn’t see it coming. Now if you see this film you won’t see it coming either.
Paul’s adversaries are younger, hipper, more athletic and more likely to kick Paul’s rump. They are so confident in their awesomeness. But pride goith before Paul Blurt lands on you. His motivation to run away like a scared little rent-a-cop is changed when the woman he wants to love is a hostage inside the bank. Later on, add his daugher to the mix. Paul is not Bruce Willis or Steven Segaul or even Frodo Baggins. Frodo had a sword and a wizard to help him out. But like Frodo, the most unlikely becomes the most likely hero. In the end he even looks pretty bad ad. The villain thought he could waltz right in and have the operation go smoothly like in Ocean’s Eleven. But of course that annoying hero was their to mess things up.
Life doesn’t always go the way we want it to go. Sometimes when you think an evil deed is going to go smoothly, some unforeseen justice comes to rain on your parade. Sometimes when you think your life is going to be routine and mundane, some goons (I have meet literal ones) come to challenge you to rise above it. The grand storyteller is doing that all the time throughout his fabric of stories. Raising up the weak to shame the strong. Raising up the un-wise to shame the wise. Raising up the fat overweight mall cops to crush the athletic cocky young computer geniuses.
This could have easily turned into a raunchy laughfest or a bloody Rambo fest. Instead it turns out to be a worthy story to watch and laugh with your offspring and other younglings. The scene inside the Rain Forrest Café is especially cool. Showdowns in Rain Forrest’s are usually pretty exciting. I speak from personal experience. See Paul Blurt: Mall Cop. Heck maybe even become a Mall Cop.
4 Big Booya’s out of 5.
This is a Banyai Storyblazer Movie Report.
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